The Hidden Pain Behind Workaholism

As a culture we are told that work ethics are of the utmost importance, we are conditioned to believe that the hallmark of a good person is how hard working they are and how much money they earn. How many times have you heard praise thrown in the direction of someone who has just come off of a 60hr+ week – “well done, you smashed it” or “they work so hard so you know they're reliable”, the praise goes on and on but what we fail to see is that behind the person who works all the hours under the sun is a deeply hidden pain that is desperate to be seen.

The belief that working as many hours as possible is a good thing is instilled in us from every angle - films, music, television, social media, educational institutions and friends. But where we take in the most influence comes straight from our parents or caregivers.

If you ask most people what was one of the most common questions they were asked as a child, I bet they would all say “what do you want to be when you grow up?” was in there. That question in itself isn’t a bad thing but if the answer isn’t a socially acceptable one by the standards of the person asking it, it can be met with distain or criticism. Couple this with extremely high expectations from a parent or caregiver and the child starts to internalize that their desired ambition will define their worth. 

As small children the depth of our hearts truest desire is all we know. We operate entirely from love and we are unfiltered in our expression of it. Very young children only tend to speak the truth when they are asked what they want to do or be. You can often see a child's deepest desires play out in how they play with other children or what they spend time on when they are alone. They live, breathe, eat and sleep their hearts truest joys.

As we age, we start facing pressure from all around us to be something other than what we truly are. Eventually, the question of what we want to be when we grow up is then followed with “don’t you want to be rich?”, and then “Don’t you want to be successful?”. The answers to these questions start to become a reflection of the lost hopes and dreams of those around us and disappointment appears in the eyes of the person asking the question where there was once encouragement. That disappointment is seen and felt within the heart of the child. The more a child is discouraged from pursuing their dreams, the more they turn away from the truth of their own being and towards unfulfillment.

As we age and internalize this messaging, we start changing our vision of the bright future we once hoped for towards a role that will bring us success by our parents, caregivers or communal standards.  The subliminal message we receive when we express our hearts desire and it is criticized is “I am not enough”. The expression of our hearts deep desire slowly becomes more and more shameful and starts to feel out of reach. We start to form the limiting self-belief that we are only successful if we are “rich” and that this will make us “enough”.

But what is workaholism? 

Workaholism as an addiction 

Workaholism is considered an addiction, characterized as a behaviour pattern that consists of an excessive or compulsive drive to work. Like other addictions, it is hallmarked by a compulsion to engage in negative behaviour patterns, often neglecting important parts of daily living in favour of work regardless of the negative consequences.

Workaholism currently affects 27% to 30% of the general public today and in popular culture it is seen as a buzzword to describe positive devotion to work, the problem is it comes with a whole host of negative effects on our life.

Symptoms of workaholism include:

• Working excessive hours 

• Thinking about work constantly 

• Lacking enjoyment in work 

• Difficulty relaxing 

• Forgetting about other events due to work 

• Impatience and irritability 

• Hurrying and staying busy 

• A strong need for control 

• Perfectionism 

• Difficulty with relationships 

• Work binges 

• A sense of being inadequate 

• Self-neglect 

• Negative self-belief 

The impact of workaholism can be seen far and wide. Our culture has changed to focus a persons worth on their ability to hold down or dedicate their life to a job role that society deems as acceptable by the standards they are conditioned by.  

Workaholism is considered a “legacy burden”, as described by IFS (Internal Family System) therapists, meaning that is often passed down through generations, perpetuating the addiction. It is often associated with higher levels of income and money worship but is also tied to money avoidance. While workaholics tend to be productive and perfectionist, they also suffer with depression, anxiety and feelings of inadequacy. Workaholism often leads to a breakdown in personal relationships leaving those who struggle with it in a state of loneliness and isolation. Most workaholics report feeling high levels of stress and overwhelm leading to a lack of enjoyment in life and a loss of identity. 

Healing workaholism

 

As with most destructive patterns, development starts in our childhood years but the first and biggest step we can take towards healing is fully acknowledging how workaholism is affecting our lives. Like other addictive behaviours we can heal from workaholism and change our working lives to reflect healthier patterns and behaviours. It is important to see workaholism not as a positive trait but as a destructive behaviour that dominates the lives of those affected. When we take full stock of the nature of our negative patterns we can own and fully heal them and the underlying trauma that causes them.

Workaholism is often underpinned by emotional pain, stemming from unresolved childhood trauma. The range of experiences that lead to patterns of addiction range from physical and verbal abuse, to neglect and abandonment. And, as I mentioned in the beginning of my

article it is often exacerbated by subtle messaging from our caregivers that lead to us feeling as if our hopes, dreams and aspirations are simply not “good enough”.

Adult survivors of generational trauma can use work as a means of control, using it as a form of escapism. Overworking is often used to avoid the painful realities of our past and present emotional distress, distracting us from feeling emotions that arise within us when triggered. This is an illusionary form of control, the person struggling leads themself to believe they are “doing fine” because in societies eyes they are seen as reliable and steadfast. In reality, this is far from the truth. 

Trauma- informed therapy is highly recommended to help us identify the underlying cause of workaholism and develop positive coping mechanisms. Techniques like mindfulness and boundary setting become important in the healing of workaholism. Knowing your triggers and understanding their full impact on your life is also important. Healing can only take place when there is full awareness. Joining a support group or online community can be very helpful, providing a sense of shared experience and understanding. Workaholics anonymous can be a very helpful resource, you can find them by clicking here.   

Inner child healing could be considered one of the most effective strategies for healing from workaholism, to undo the effects of negative messaging from our caregivers. The desire to seek external validation often starts in childhood through traumatic childhood events and how we were conditioned in childhood. Parentified children have a high likelihood of becoming workaholics as they develop a strong need to be seen as competent and reliable from a young age through family burden. As adults, they become driven to seek validation through work as a means of proving their worth.

We must first find the pain that has led to us forming a belief that we are only worthy if we are working beyond our capacity. We must recognise ourselves as worthy outside of work and set about healing the wounded parts of us that push us towards unwanted patterns. There are many healing strategies, but self-love can be very helpful as you work towards healing from workaholism. Check out my blog on self-love here to see how this healing strategy can help you.

Healing the wounded parts of us that cause our negative patterns is one of the most important gifts we can give to ourselves. We must be brave enough to turn inwards and towards ourselves for the healing that we so desperately need and deserve. It is our birthright to live in to peace, happiness and abundance.